No idea what is going to happen...

I have not talked to her in over a week. Im getting over her. But im also worried about her at the same time, and im worried about our friendship. I can get over her to the point where it will not be a problem for her anymore, but I dont know whats going on with her and it worries me as well. I cant loose her as a friend so Im hoping everyday that I dont because i dont know what im going to do. =[ I have been spending allot od time with other friends that I have neglected lately so that has been fun, and as long as I have something to do I can keep the bad feelings away. But if I start to get really bored or I lay awake by myself for too long at night I start to think. I think and I worry about what is going to happen. If after all of this I will get my best friend back... I worry about what is going on with her and how she is doing. I dont care as much that she wants me to get over her anymore, I knew that it was probably going to happen eventually. So i guess you could say im kind of acepting it in a way. But that doesnt mean that I like it, I know it has to happen but its hurting me so much... sometimes all i do is scream.. and scream... and scream into my pillow because it is all that I can think of to do. I swore to myself at the beigning of this that I was not going to hurt myself and I havnt, and im going to stick to that. There is not point in hurting myself. I need to get through this even though it hurts... the worst pain I have had in a long time. But im staying possitive and Im going to get through it. I know this probably sounds like a whole fuck of allot of rambling but it helps allot. And I really cannot explain why. =] I can do this and I can get through it I just am hoping with all my fucking heart that she will talk to me again when this is done i miss her so much as a friend. That is what is driving me to get over her. The fact that hopfully we can be friends again cause shes one of the most awesome people I have ever met in my entire fucking life and no one is gonna get me to talk bad about her even if she is hurting me (they know who they are). anyways heres a song that I have been listening to allot and it makes me happy and gets me moving, its also great to lift to^^



Favortie verse from it

To die unsung would really bring you down
Although wet eyes would never suit you
Walk through no archetypal suicide
Die young is far too boring these days

Getting over her... =[

Im currently In the prosses in getting over my best friend, I have had strong feelings for her for a long time and I dont know how this is going to work... Its really hard but is strangly rewarding at the same time. I love her so much that I know its gonna be tough but each day that I do not talk to her seems to change me a little bit. I know im always going to be attracted to her but I think If I keep doing what im doing hopefully after a while ill be over her. Im so scared of loosing her as a friend and thats whats really driving me to do this, I know it must be incredibly hard on her this whole time knowing that one of her really good friends liked her as much as I do. And that creats problems. I told her that its her decision on wheather we stay friends or not becuase I dont want to force her or guilt her into it if she thinks it wont work. I know it will if i can get over her because I have done it before. And ive even parically done it with my feeling for her before but this time im going to go all the way and really try. I know it hasnt been healthy to me either.... and Im really starting to realise that each day. Im starting to feel stronger though... And im getting stronger lifing weights is so awesome that Im becoming almost addicted to it and im spazzing around with 25 lb dumbells everyday^^ its sooooo awesome feeling strong again, because I had kinda let myself go as of late and I really dont know why. I still really miss her (god it hurts trying not to text her... >.<) but I know its going to get better and im finding myself looking at other girls again allot which is kinda a weird feeling and I feel kinda idk like a pig for doing so but I guess its kinda normal. anyways Ill probably be adding to this rant latter cause Ive deciding im done "whining" to people about my problems as well so your gonna see me posting on here more to :P anyways heres a song that is kinda how I feel right now.
I feel that Im going to be changed quite a bit when I finally get over her so this really fits.



LYRICS
Convicted witch my life will end
At midnight on the stake
My dedicated life was spent
To insubordinate
Secured by lock inside a cell
Imprisoned for no crime
The shackles will be useless
When your life is out of time

Incantation spell gone by
I will see life again
My deals will made eternally
I signed the book of red
My rage will be unleashed again
Burning the next morn
Death means nothing, there is no end
I will be reborn

No gift of exile in my fate
I'll get no amnesty
You can't control my destiny
There is no habitual need
Proclaim my death, to end my wrath
It takes more than one try
Indulge your ineffective curse
I will never die

You think by killing me tonight
My powers will not rise
There'll be nowhere for you to run
When my hatred comes to life
Condemned to fill the prophecy
Allowing no first born
Defy your morbid declaration
Leave you ripped and torn

(LEAD: HANNEMAN)

Count your blessing would be priest
As I burn upon the stake
You'd be forgiven endlessly
But your values are all fake
Forever servant of my Lord
By choice and not submission
Maybe now I've made you wonder
Am I superstition

Incantation spell gone by
I will live again
My deals will made eternally
I signed the book in red
My rage will be unleashed again
Burning the next morn
Death means nothing there is no end
I will be reborn

(LEAD: HANNEMAN)

Younger girls

Why cant they just leave me alone? Anywhere i look its younger girls and they are all crazy i just had one offer me her fucking range rover so i could drive and date her i mean really?? wtf why are they all crazy and why cant i find any older girls i like (or at least around my age) there are some of both that i like but none that i can really have at the moment for various reasons, like something happened or they are way to busy to date or other wise involved. All i want is to just find someone that i can be happy with is that to much to ask??? and i dont want a fucking peice of shit car to seal the deal MY FUCK CRAZY

and the other ones the fucking 8th grade girls (IM A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL) why do they even bother, should i just stop smiling and being nice just flat. that all i do im just not a dick to them when they try to talk to me and they take that as im interested AGHHHHHHH it makes me so angry Im about to the point where im just gonna start being a dick to ALMOST everyone ans see if that gets me anywhere.... i just hate being alone so much... i always seem to be alone and even when im not i am again soon either by some stupid fault of mine or they turn out to be totally crazy like this one girl I started dating that threatened to hurt herself the second night after i asked her out.... like really>?>?>? >.<>

My current mood Frustrated and angry

Stupid feeling

I have a feeling that I Cannot Explain
I have a feeling that I Cannot Endure for long
I have a feeling that I Cannot Shake
I have a feeling that I Cannot be Happy with
I have a feeling that I Cannot Control
I have a feeling that I Cannot Hide
I have a feeling that I Cannot Ever go back
I have a feeling that I Cannot Answer
I have a feeling ...

A question

Why is it that music has the power to call forth so many emotions from so many different people? What is it about it that gives it that power exactly? The beat? The mood? The singers voice in a particular song?? Or is music simply just magic that way, because not even art can call forth the emotions that I get from listening to some songs. Music can call forth anger and hatred, love and passion, happiness and joy, and sadness and depression. Another peculiar thing about music is it has the strangest ability to combine these feelings even the ones that should be total opposites like love and depression...

love and Depression

Joy and Anger

This is how i feel right now :)



This is pretty happy for me, ive been thinking allot about who I am going to be after I graduate high school this year and what my life has become. Im tired of living this dream that I seem to be in now. Im ready to just be done with it all. All the fake friend ships and kissing teacher ass just to get ahead and keep my grades (which arnt that good anyways :P ) and this song kinda sums that all up, at least thats what i get out of it right now^^ enjoy

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The weird thing about myself is even though all of this I just have to share that there is always something else buried far in the back of my head, its still alive, the thoughts I mean but they are buried and only surface when I let my other guards down... (P.S. the singer is also amazing)

I said there would be music

This is one of my Favorite Songs